caliphornication

Charlie Manuel: Y’all know me. Know how I manage. I’ll catch these Nats for you, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Good team. Not like going down to Miami and beating up on some Marlins. This team, sweep you whole. Little Bryce, Little Strasburg, an’ down you go. And we gotta get better quick, that’ll bring back our fans, put all your careers back on track. But it’s not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three million bucks, Chase. I’ll catch this team for three, but I’ll catch them, and kill them for, ten. But you’ve gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay contending, then ante up. If you want to play it loose, be home on you couch in October. I don’t want no free agents. I don’t want no trades, there’s just too many good guys already here in this clubhouse. Let’s go get the Nats. Their heads, their tails, the whole damn team.

***

It has been a long winter. Any Phillies fan can easily admit this.

We walked into the cold with dreams of Josh Hamilton, Michael Bourn or one of the Upton brothers, and instead netted Twitter-addict speedster Ben Revere, $6 million worth of Michael Young and the most expensive last two innings of bullpen baseball the world can find north of 32 years old.

That’s like me throwing my Golden Retriever a brand new tennis ball and him coming back with a pine cone.

I had visions of the 2013 Phillies being triumphant, but then I ran out of whiskey.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not being pessimistic. Cult Phillies bloggers like Michael Baumann and Bill Baer of Crashburn Alley will have you believe the Phillies are far worst than the almighty Nationals and Upton-led Braves.

I’m here to tell you that is not the case—hopefully before the whiskey completely wears off. I would hate to fib to you completely sober.

Are the Phillies the third best team in their division? Sure. But what did people say about us in 2008 or the Giants in 2010 or 2012 before the season started? Or the even Nationals in 2012? A lot of baseball people in the “know” had those teams finishing third in their respective divisions.

The point is, the general public—and even experts—are often terrible at predicting who will have special seasons. That’s why they’re special.

For instance, things that could easily happen this year but no one is really talking about:

• Ryan Howard hits 40 homeruns.
• Chase Utley takes back his mantle as the NL’s best second basemen.
• Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, and Roy Halladay all receive Cy Young votes.
• Mike Adams and Jonathan Papelbon go 2008 Ryan Madson and Brad Lidge.
• Ben Revere hits .300 and steals 60 bases.
• Domonic Brown meets Domonic Brown.
• Delmon Young goes 2012 ACLS for a lot of the 2013 regular season.
• Darin Ruf confuses the majors for the minors.
• Erik Kratz creates a catcher controversy by leading all National League catchers in home runs after the first 25 games (when Chooch returns).
• Michael Young thinks 2011 is much closer to who he is than 2012.

Wait! Hold on! Come back!!!

Before you go throw a hundred dollars on the Phillies to win the World Series in Vegas, keep in mind, I once wrote an article giving 47 reasons the Eagles would win this Sunday’s upcoming Super Bowl and am still in love with a girl left me for a scuba diver.

So, I tend to see the best in things that torture me.

But what is wrong with this approach? Why should I be tortured before the season starts if everyone is saying I’m going to be tortured when the season actually begins?

February, March, April. These are the months to dream. In fact, I encourage all three Miami Marlins fans to go play poker around a picnic table, smoke cigars, drink booze and talk about how Placido Polanco and Juan Pierre will both hit .330.

It’s that time of year. We’ll get to the bad stuff later. For now?

Believe.

Do you think we actually can do this???

Three games back. Nineteen left to play.

It was hard to imagine I’d be starting a blog post about the Phillies with those two sentences at any point in recent memory, but that’s where we stand.

Look. This is either going to be the best or worst September we’ve had in a while. We’ve reached that point. But seeing as we’re all buckled in for the ride, I want to make sure we’re all equipped with the proper belongings.

Without further adieu, here is your 2012 Philadelphia Phillies Survivor Kit:

1. Neutrogena Men Invigorating Face Wash, 5.1 Ounce

Stressed? Me too. The Phillies will drive you crazy. But don’t let your face be the victim. This face wash is affordable, effective and relatively manly.

2.  50 Shades of Grey.

I’ll wait for you to stop laughing. Yes, this “mommy porn” might be embarrassing to read. However, it’s so addictive and mindless, that it’s just what your need to sidetrack yourself for 10 minutes while Jonathan Papelbon puts two runners on before nailing down a save. If LeBron James was allowed to use the Hunger Games to help sidetrack the pressure of clinching his first championship—you’re more than allowed to read chick-lit while the Phillies chase the impossible.

3.  Rocky on Blu-Ray

Remember where you came from.

4. Marshall Mathers LP

From “Kill You” to “Stan” and the “The Real Slim Shady” to “Kim”, this album has both self-loathing and I’m-better-than-you singles, thrusting itself into my favorite pennant race album. Slim still loved Kim but also hated the world at the same time, resulting in the perfect combination to soundtrack an attitude these Phillies need to win the wild card.

5. Hulk Hands

I’ve had some temper tantrums in my days as a Phillies fan. I’ve punched holes through walls and have hurt friends in the process. If you wear these while you watch the Phillies torment you, you’re less likely to inflict such damage.

6. Alcohol

It’s self-explanatory. Whether you’re a Jack-and-Coke man or satisfied by a Keystone Light, you best be sipping on something. The Phillies are not for the sober-of-heart.

7. Running shoes

In between the face-washing, listening-to-Eminem, and drinking yourself to sleep, you’re going to want to go for long runs to keep in shape and clear your head. I’m a Nike and Brooks man myself, but also highly recommend Mizuno and Asics.

8. A canine.

You’re parents won’t understand why you’re freaking out about a baseball game. Either will your boyfriend or girlfriend. But you know who will? A dog. Get one.

 9.  The Philadelphia Phillies 2008 World Series Collector’s Edition on DVD

If things get really bad, you’re going to want to play this and remember this actually happened. It did. “World F#$king champions!”

10.  A life.

Get an education. Get a job. Get romantically involved with a significant other and appreciate your family and remember this is all just a game. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself blogging about Philadelphia sports and thinking you’re awesome when in reality no one is even reading the things you’re writing.

Wait, what?

Phillies: Hello…Hello. I’m looking for my fans. Ok….Ok….Ok…. If this late in the season is when it has to happen, then this is when it has to happen.

I’m not letting you get rid of me. How about that?

…this used to be my specialty. I was good in September. Send us out there, we’d win the NL East.

And now we just… we don’t know…

…but our little organization had a good night tonight. A really good night.

But it wasn’t complete. It wasn’t nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete, because I couldn’t share it with you. I couldn’t hear your voice, or clap about it with you. We miss our fans. We play in a cynical city, and we play in a division of tough competitors. I love you. You complete me. And I just…

Me: Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello.

***

So. Here we are. The Phillies are hot. The Pirates, Dodgers and Cardinals are…not.

And with 20 games to play the Phillies are 4 games back. I’m not here to talk about odds (they’re bad). I’m not here to tell you completely investing in this “run” isn’t a health risk (it is).

I’m here to tell you we’re going to get weird. Other fans are going to look at you funny. They’re going to mock your tweets. They’ll probably roll their eyes.

Let them. It’s fine. We don’t need them to sign off on anything. But before you start tuning into every pitch with sweaty palms while simultaneously downloading apps that help you scoreboard watch other teams collapse, I want you to be prepared. Scratch that. I want to be prepared.

Let me give you the worst-case scenario, just so it will be in the vicinity of bearable if it were to actually happen:

The Phillies continue to play like this, and the Pirates, Dodgers and Cardinals continue their respected swoons. We meet the Braves in Atlanta for a one-game play in. We send Cole Hamels or Cliff Lee to the hill in the hopes that they’ll show why Rube gives them each $24 million a year. The Braves win.

The best-case scenario raps over the same exact beat but with a different hook (we win).

The likely scenario is we fall a couple games short and think hard on what games cost us the season until our logic kicks in and we realize it was more about three-fourths of the season rather than a couple of Papelbon collapses. We’ll take some pride in the fact that we finished strong and we’ll look forward to bringing back Cole, Cliff, Doc and—dare I say it—Kyle Kendrick to lead a bounce-back 2013 campaign and hope Ruben makes a couple of shrewd moves over the winter while Michael Vick breaks the interception record (joke—I hope).

But until any of those scenarios surface for good, we’re going to get weird.

Did you hear the rumor, Doc?

Spotted: A professional Philadelphia baseball team that’s playing the game the right way.

It’s a 9 pm on a Friday night. I’m on my third glass of whiskey and I’ve put my Netflix Gossip Girl episode on pause long enough to watch Erik Kratz hit a homerun off the unhittable Craig Kimbrel at least 7 times on mlb.com.

I’m intoxicated enough to dream about the Phillies making the playoffs but sober enough to realize it’s unrealistic.

I’m in a good place.

Then again, I’m watching Gossip Girl on Netflix at 9 pm on a Friday night. But I digress.

I like this Phillies team.

Not the Phillies team before the All-Star break, but the one after. I enjoy Chase Utley being a slugging—if not a hit-for-average—second basemen. I like the scrappy Kevin Frandsen showing Placido Polanco what a third basemen is suppose to look like. I blush like a schoolgirl every time Ryan Howard hits a homerun like it’s 2006. I get a kick out of Papelbon’s after-save reactions, which say, “This matters, god dammit!” (even when they probably don’t). I’m confused by John Mayberry playing like a MLB starting outfielder, and I miss Domonic Brown.

I like this Phillies team.

The Phillies are 8 games back of the Pirates for the second wild-card spot (which would only grant them a one-game playoff game to even get the chance to play in the real playoffs). They would have to leap over the Diamondbacks (no big deal), Dodgers (a slightly bigger deal), and the Cardinals (a big deal) to get there. ESPN’s scientific logarithm of the Phillies pulling it off is 0.1%.

Donovan McNabb would have a better chance at completing a swing pass. It’s that bad.

However, I think the next five games are worth watching. The Phillies will send Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels out in Hot Lanta before trying their luck in Cincinatti for a three game set. If the Fightins’ can go 4-1 or 5-0 in those games, you never know what happens. The Cardinals were 8.5 games out of the wild card last year at the same point of the season last year, and I think we all know how that turned out.

You know you love me,

xoxo Philly Mike.